Member-only story
East Virginia or Bust — The Story of My Career
Cry Fowl! Cruzing for Some Love, Power, and a Decent Place for BBQ
Law was my life then I hurdled to politics. Clerking for judges, watching porn, and practicing law just wasn’t doing it for me. Then I found politics. I became a policy adviser for a very prominent campaign, where I teed off the people around me. Then worked for a spell for a department that enforces the law. In 2001 I became an office director for an agency that safeguards shoppers. In 2003 I went back home for barbecue and a state-run job. After almost a decade kicking around the tumbleweed, I went back to East Virginia.
Eh, I got another job! I trudged around for another decade contemplating taking over the world! No, not actually. But . . . my big achievement might be when I devised a plan to shut the government down. My co-conspirator, a famous doctor who had a hankering for some meat and eggs. But I had even higher ambitions. In 2016, I ran for another more prominent position. But I might have made a mistake — chemistry? Hooking up with a woman who managed a computer shop. Also, a wisecracking puppet tripped me up. I lost. Not only did I lose, but I lost to a megalomaniac. I managed, by some sheer dumb luck, to keep my former job. I got on some teams including control over things that go up in the air. But I want more. Can I get some love! I don’t want to be known as a “snowflake.” My most recent career move is picking a Twitter fight with an eight-foot, golden, human-like fowl. That’s success! And this is my story . . . signed Mr. Cruz.
