An Open Letter to Future Members of Congress

Guidance to Succeed and be Dumb and Even Dumber [than your predecessors]

Dear Future Members of Congress:

Follow this guidance to effectively succeed. In getting reelected repeatedly and then retire filthy rich.

Your biggest strength is how well you can lie. The bigger the lie the better. Better for your pocketbook. To reign in constituents while simultaneously bashing your opponent. Sex scandals are the greatest! Stolen elections! That’s now a keeper. FAKE NEWS! Yes!

Money — get it any way you can. From foolish donors to corporate demagogues. Family, loans to yourself — also make It a tax write-off. Of course, then brag about it and lie. Three letters, P-A-C. And don’t let borders stop you from stuffing those coffers. If you’re from Pennsylvania, get money from rich people in California. If you’re trying to get elected in New York if there’s money in Pahrump, go for it. Dark money, Dark money. Profit from insider trading and make your personal portfolios explode. Don’t forget to hide it.

Open a store and hawk and sell anything and everything with your name on it [Trump, the master]. Don’t forget to call it “your name” Store. Get your name out there. Put it on everything.